I REMEMBER EXACTLY what my first shot was like. I was terrified as the nurse at the Mazzoni Center in Philadelphia handed me the syringe. She had carefully instructed me on how to inject the testosterone, extracting the viscous liquid from the vial, then pinching my skin below my abdomen. I stared up at her, asking, “Are you sure?” She smiled at me and assured me I could do it. So I did, and with that moment, my life changed in every way possible.
Truthfully, the hesitation was from the unknown. Being born biologically female, I certainly had no experience with testosterone, and how it would specifically affect me and the rest of my body. However, what I did know is what made me feel good, what made me feel like myself, and that made the decision to begin transitioning far easier. The well-educated doctors at the Mazzoni Center have been with me every step of the way.
Each week, I inject .35 mL of testosterone subcutaneously. After three years, it’s just a part of my routine. Initially, I was still unsure of myself doing my shot alone, but over time I became more comfortable with the process. Prior to all of this, I did my research. I looked at the experiences of other transmen, and reached out in several instances to gain further insight. What I gathered was that while there were some general similarities, each individual had a different experience, simply because of their journey.
My protocol for taking testosterone was personally tailored to me. This is why I was fortunate to have worked with the medical professionals at The Mazzoni Center. They analyzed my anthropometric measurements, medical history, and future goals, both physical and emotional. My doctor wrote a prescription for me that would allow my body to transition in a safe and healthy manner. Since beginning hormone replacement therapy three years ago, the amount of testosterone has never changed. The human body does not work well under extreme conditions or wide-ranging fluctuations. We are more adapted to gradual and consistent change, which is exactly how my testosterone protocol was designed.
The support, or at least a consultation with an affirming medical team or provider, is essential before making any type of medical change. I would never suggest that anyone do this alone. There are dangers in taking too much, and the amount you take is dependent on environmental factors and characteristics, such as age and body composition. Additionally, I know several transmen who wanted to transition at a slower pace, and “microdose” testosterone. Taking less testosterone in this way is not dangerous, but changes will happen at a noticeably slower pace. The nice thing about this process is that you can transition in a way that aligns with your personal goals and health needs.
I realize now that as humans, our instinct is to look for comfort from who and what we know. However, that is not a definitive truth. That is our observation, our perspective, which can lead towards a path of false representation. So, through my own observations, I took what information I could to benefit my scenario, and surrendered the rest to another man’s path. Several individuals, such as Cody Harman, Nikias Tomasiello, and Logan Dubé, provided positive support through their social platforms, and were kind enough to answer my questions and address my concerns. I began to realize that I was surrounded by many others, simply looking to connect with the inner vision of themselves. The start is summoning up the courage to make connections, reaching your hand out and knowing that someone will grasp it.
What Changed First
The first changes were my body temperature. I used to be cold most of the time, but I noticed that my core temperature began to feel almost hot. I suddenly was operating like a self-heated furnace!
Hair growth took a bit longer—it was probably around six months before I noticed differences there. I was ecstatic! I will never forget that moment and the friend I shared it with immediately. I was also fully aware of the thickening of my vocal cords, which altered my voice.
There were some changes that really surprised me, such as the change in my facial structure, and the noticeable increase in my bone density. I remember visiting my chiropractor, who I had not seen since before transitioning. As he worked on my face and neck, he told me that my bone structure felt more defined. In my head, I imagined that I would change in the stereotypical way, enhancing my masculinity and general physical construct, but not to that detail. These types of changes really excited me. I felt reborn, figuratively speaking, and I guess I was in a way.
Some changes I noticed would hit me suddenly. Others “came with the territory,” such as altering my hair and wardrobe. I loved changing my wardrobe, and buying the clothes I liked, rather than the ones I thought I “had to have” based on my perceived societal constructs of gender norms. For me this experience was liberating on so many levels. All of these changes, in every manner that they appeared, were small celebrations, reminders that I did it; I was living in the truth, and no one could take that from me.
Changes I Didn’t Expect
What I had not thought about were the changes I would face from a social and emotional place. Certain physical and emotional challenges scared me. I had to relearn how to behave socially in the world as a man. And, from a physical standpoint, I knew that just because I was taking testosterone did not mean that I would suddenly take on the figure of a man. I still had underlying body dysmorphia, present from my past, and working through that was challenging. Taking on the male gender norm from a social standpoint was also a large task for me. I had lived my life as a female for many years, and taking on new responsibilities as a man was daunting to say the least.
I had to recognize that testosterone could potentially make me more aggressive, or change the way in which I react to the environment around me. Thankfully, I did not notice aggression in this way, but I did notice confidence and a boost in self-esteem. This was not only due to hormone replacement therapy, but the validation I felt in aligning my internal identity with my external frame. My presence felt stronger, and intuitively, I began to trust in who I was as a person.
Admittedly, when I started transitioning, I worried about regretting my decision. This is not something I could take back, or “reverse,” and naturally, that made me question myself. However, what I know is that I would have regretted living a lie more. That is also something I could not take back.
Additionally, I found it important to remind myself that just because I was taking testosterone and was changing my life in a positive way, my life would not be perfect. Testosterone did a lot for me, but it did not take away my limitations, past failures or regrets. I am still the same person, but an “expanded” version of who I was. I still struggle just like everyone else. Testosterone is not perfection, nor does it slow time. It is not an emotional cure for what keeps you up at night. For me, it was how I found the part of myself I believed could not exist.
Testosterone had allowed me to take on a new identity, one that felt whole, complete. I now look upon the last three years of my life through a lens of pride. It takes courage to change the course of your life, especially when you feel alone. It takes bravery to fight against the stream that channels you to a set course. I made a choice to start testosterone, and I know that was the right choice.
